God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I鈥檓 hurt.
Try Lavender.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn鈥檛 it?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I鈥檓 not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I鈥檒l make you my emergency contact
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 馃槈
P: can’t. Kidnapped 馃檨
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.