i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
the last thing a carrot sees
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…