My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
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I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.