Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.