Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I think we should hear other voices.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts