WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Do not steal food from the science building!
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?