ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
i will avenge u mr van gogh
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle