“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
You Might Also Like
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
nature’s most graceful animal
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.