Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
me after eating Cheetos
dam girl
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days