It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
You Might Also Like
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
A small tragedy.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
oh sorry i cant im busy that day