New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt