Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
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When does CPR become necrophilia?
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive