Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
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Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no