I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
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Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.