Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.