Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.