It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Awwwww shit.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
*mops up wine with cat*
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*