My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
describing stardew valley
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.