One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
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I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
This checks out
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
this is literally a CIA plant
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Monday
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea: