Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I might carry a baby with one hand.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton