1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
normalize having existential bread
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Harsh but fair
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!