Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?