I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Trying
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She