I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.