Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
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Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: