Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
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Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.