Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
it is time once again
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.