What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
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[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
😂🤣😂🤣
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months