Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.