Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
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“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.