The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!