Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
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$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
lol
plant them where lol
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!