Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
new year update: losing everything but weight