My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
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The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
58.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.