4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
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[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
How software testing works
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.