“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
You Might Also Like
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*