Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Okay
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
oppen heimer style lol
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you