If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
*mops up wine with cat*
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone