[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
What the hell happened in there??
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.