I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
🔦🌙👣
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?