if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
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My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful