A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
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Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser