High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg