Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
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I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse