Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Never be a pizza!
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Love is always patient and kind.
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The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep