I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
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My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Coffee for people with no kids
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.