[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
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#Caturday
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.