EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
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haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]