I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
You Might Also Like
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
m’lady
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.