[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
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I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
my sentiments exactly
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”